Egress/Regress

did I tell you this? no, it happened last night.

my friend had a dream. she said you were there.
smoking cigarettes and wearing cute jackets,
singing Lady in Red in a school I once left.

"hey baby" you said with an eye like a new year,
and I trounced to the table decked out in red glitter,
you gave me a kiss with a twirl and a wink.

her excitable voice in the desk next to mine.
I'm grinning, I'm grinning, I'm trying not to cry.

I feel like a look like the bus that just left.
You sound like a chord like I song I don't know.
and you give me a kiss with a whirl and a twink.

(Marisa's dream, my words.)

and oh yeah, Friday's show was fucking amazing.

(she doth not protest too much)

Matt Martine, me, Black Math and B-Wy
(aka Hamlet, Gertrude, Ophelia, and Rosencrantz)

opening night went rather well. aside from stupid emotional behavior on my part about a few people not present, I'm happy with it. tomorrow's show is going to be even better. yeah bitches.

my soul smells like gasoline

( I say I don't have time for this- I mean I don't have the heart. everything grows more complicated, and my lenses have shifted out of focus. )

to a girl I know well (who wishes I didn't)- it makes me sad that things are this way. but if this is what you want, my voice stays silent and I move on.

to a girl I've never really met- there are no hard feelings to you from me, just hard situations between us.

to a boy I know well- I want things to be kind between us. we're allowed to cry, and hug sometimes. I want us to invite each other to our weddings.

to a boy who knows me well- I almost lost you because I'm not yet over losing something else, and for that I'm sorry. you are the smile in my snowstorm.

I find myself drifting away from the cryptic, but for the sake of privacy I'll keep the clamoring names at bay. I want you all to be happy.

231

I don't have much to say.
once the play is over (please go), and the new website is up and running, that will change, so I hope.

You are THE FAINT. Which Saddle-Creek Band Are You?

hamlet 2

January 27th, 28th, and 29th
(thursday, friday, saturday)

8 pm (till 10)
$5 (that's really not a lot.)

Albert G. Prodell Middle School
Shoreham, NY

the student-run production of
HAMLET II: Better Than the Original

it's a modernized comedy version of Shakespeare's Hamlet. this means we pretty much speak normal English, and make lots of sex jokes.

I'm Queen Gertrude, Dean is Claudius, Brit is Rosencrantz, John's directing. I think those're the only people I've blogged about, but the cast is awesome. yes.

PLEASE GO!

<*/shameless plug>

snow and sliding.

It's snowing again. I hate snow.

I want to live in a place where I can wear heels all year round, and spend more quality time in hammocks.

I'm slipping on all academic fronts.

I must refuse sleep until I finish a substantial amount of this work that keeps piling. I need focus. I need focus. I need something to help me change. Suggestions are welcome.

17jan05

And worse I may be yet: the worst is not
So long as we can say 'This is the worst.'

turmoil! we think in circles full of love and poison-
and my lips are turning inward rosy without supporting cast
a splint, a crutch of affectionate remorse,
my eulogies are often overwrought and derelict and false.

a different color hair on a different color pillow-
the same laugh at the same scene,
the same pain in the same field, or mockery
for all the same faults.

the replacements don't always make me smile,
even draped across a punk rock shoulder.

is this an apology?
they always are.
I always am.

"fuck you" bubbles towards my thoughts, malignant-
but I do what I can to reject it,
do what I can to become a cat toy
I'll just be a piece of string to the twitching universe.

I miss so many people that I've rarely seen.
I miss someone I rarely see. god.
no, not him, just some empty declaration of an inner conflict.

I should stop, but the words keep coming, pointless and post-coital. too late.

I love everyone.

almost finished.

Bard College
Brown University
the Cooper Union- portfolio and hometest
Geneseo College
New Paltz College- send in supplements
New York University
Purchase College- accepted (undeclared), apply to creative writing dept.
Sarah Lawrence
Smith College
Tulane University
University of Chicago
Vanderbilt University

I am so close to being done with all of this. but I don't look forward to all the waiting.

sea change

(01:17 am. some editing for brevity/privacy.)

alli b: i figured everything out
everything i've done in the past few months...i figured out why
i am SO BORED with my life right now
i keep finding all these ways to escape

alli b: and it's just because i go through every day the same way
the EXACT SAME WAY
and i can't do that anymore
i have to start making changes because it's not making sense anymore to do it this way

alli b: i'm becoming the kind of person that i don't want to be and i feel like there are things i can do to change it

alli b: but i want to make my life better so that i don't have to feel that way

aNeedlessBecause: we should do something
something conscious and tangible
to try and change things.

aNeedlessBecause: a sort of... closedness to change i guess is the problem

aNeedlessBecause: we are entering a period of drastic change
and those who aren't, probably should be.

aNeedlessBecause: i guess what's frustrating me most
is feeling so transitional, yet with so little actual change
i'm just waiting around for things to happen
which is bullshit!
alli b: exactly!

aNeedlessBecause: drastic actions are soon required i think
we need some auto-revolution

aNeedlessBecause: but i think tangibility of sorts is key

aNeedlessBecause: and i'm going to try to think of something
maybe something as simple as creating something every day
setting out to accomplish something in particular and actually doing it, you know?

alli b: i just kind of want to hear new ideas every day
things i've never thought of before

thank you alli. i needed someone to shake me up.

tick tick tick tick

I may be dead honey / but I was left with my eyes.

i'm doing what I can.
it's hard
when you are falling apart,
but aren't sure which direction to land in.
which model to follow when pulling back together.

I have to try and stay in pieces until they tell me what to do.
I swear, I'll eventually be less cryptic. or less sad. or just less boring.
I'm going to build a flamethrower with my mind.

focus, damnit!

now I wanna be your dog

i'm trying to feel good.

i'm calling you and talking nice, and hoping for no hard feelings.

i'm doing my best to dance to Iggy Pop in my underwear.

i'm working on making some new friends.

i need a girlfriend, i need to decide on a brand of cigarettes, i need to know where the hell I'm going.

a little work to do, and then just waiting, I guess.

I AM GOING TO LEARN TO STOP KILLING TIME.

I love you all, but you can define that however you like, I guess.

11jan05

I keep getting this overwhelming urge to stab myself in the face.

I don't know what I want to do more-

stand alone in a great mass of people or a wide open space, and scream as loud as I can until I can't breathe,

or just stay quiet, watching movies from a couch with my arms around a friend, lips resting against sweatshirt shoulders, looking up and grinning at all the good parts.

I ran out of tissues, reading poems last night. I think then I finally ran out of hope.

I'm crying like I did at a funeral- and yesterday I heard that song for the first time in a long one. There will be an answer, Let it be. A flood of appropriate memory made me dizzy.

now what do I have? a bitter laugh for future years.
the angel laughs too, unheeding.

a perfect sonnet

Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing matters
all would be clear then
-bright eyes, a perfect sonnet

so I've done some stupid things. I have some regrets. I have some memories to break my heart, I have some memories to weaken my knees. I have some friends that I think are still here, I have some friends that I think are goin' away. I have this wincing at myself, I have the sight of trees blowing madly through the window outside, but everything is quiet and cold.

but I guess i'll have to settle for a few brief moments
and watch all dissolve into a single second
and try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line

other people words say it better. other people's pain is more important. I want to express these waves, try and describe the high ride and the jagged crash. I'm terrified and lonely, and terribly cliched. The biggest things I've ever felt... and I'm out of words.

'cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
you are here and then you're gone
but i believe that lovers should be tied together and
thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
left there to drown
in their innocence

she has no idea how much I could have loved her. he has no idea how much I love him. I'm drowning in someone else's bitterness, and a former lover warned of hail. My hands are tied, just like you liked it, but I'm the only one here. I miss the ropes with my cleansing fire, tempted to break yet another new promise. It's amazing how you can laugh while you're falling apart, because some things are natural.

but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there is still no answer
only all that was before i know must soon come after
it's the only way it can be

you're getting sick of my drama. I'm getting sick of unhappiness, but nothing knows how to change. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, and I'm sorry for that. I thought, for a moment, that she gave me surety. I thought, for a moment, that he gave me hope, but my heart can break in all directions.

but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
i've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be

every step forward is another step back. I'm acting like a child and I'm lusting like a woman and I'm being called girl. I'm not who I want to be. but this isn't all about me.

now i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and layed entwined together on a bed of clover
and left there to sleep
left there to dream of their happiness

all I ever want is for you to be happy. I thought I was your temporary cure.
I brought on heartbreak because I thought it was inevitable.

I'm really sorry.

I'm falling apart. falling. a part. sometimes a part of you, but mostly not a part of anything at all. just something mismatched, something only mildly deformed. just enough to form poor cookies, misalign the puzzles. just enough to break my heart.

working on a new website, trying to keep afloat, trying to remedy some things.
and rehearsing-

Hamlet II
Jan 27th, 28th and 29th, 8 pm
@ Albert G. Prodell Middle School, Shoreham, NY

I'm kind of busy, in a non-productive way.

i'm home.