Egress/Regress

summer vacation is fading away all too fast. we go back the 8th. I'm letting too many of these days slip by already.

Going to back to school will re-ink my pen, I think.

note to self:

never drink again. augghhhhh.

asking embarassing questions of former lovers, while two lively black girls talk about drugs in loud voices, one winking at my age. laughing at the ridiculousnie of others, while I inwardly stumble. falling asleep in the car, while the moon is gigantic and sad, a woman like watching construction work at night.

I miss writing letters, real fake ones with random objects inside.
I need my own computer, I have work not to do.

photographic memory

tuesday in pictures:

this little jellyfish was just hanging out in the Peconic Bay yesterday. I went with my mom to take some pictures for Sea Grant, of the bay area and some water filtration equipment used to monitor brown tide.

Pasty Amazing Goes to the Beach.

the magic duck. magic, I say.

part of "For Semra, With Martial Vigor" by Raymond Carver

Jonny Kaps rocks the toga.

Chris and Scott's dog, Saturn. both cute, and both have drooled on me.

and tonight, Jesse poked holes in my ear. it was awesome. note the dried blood.

I heart crayons, part deux

more Friendly's crayon adventures, because Chris is the awesomest and I like to draw giant squid eyes.

in other news, someone got to this site by searching for "listening to Ace of Base". I am now listening to Young and Proud to celebrate.

garlic knots & oranges

Baby don't worry cause now I got your back.
And every time you feel like crying,
I'm gonna try and make you laugh.
And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad,
then we will wait for it to pass
and I will keep you company
through those days so long and black.

-Bright Eyes, Bowl of Oranges

I'm going to be busy this next week or so, at least I should be. I have summer work for Lit, and some reading for Physics to get done. I need to somehow get my permit in the next four days or so. I need to decide on colors and finally paint my room before school starts. I need to spend as much time as I can with someone wonderful before I have no more free time. I should do some writing... the list goes on. but somehow I don't mind, not now, not yet.

tomorrow at seven at the North Shore Public LIbrary in Shoreham, there's going to be a spoken word show run by Jonny Kaps. should be fun, I will hopefully? be doing something for it. yep.

everything's gonna be alright.

155

I love the rain but hate it in summer, it fucks shit up.

jon k, noah, doldrums, helicopters not playing, by that point I told Desirae some other time. I should call denise. Who knows if anyone else is showing up. whatever.

I feel faint. I am freakout.

---
later:
Jenny and Lauren, two friends from ages ago, came by, along with a friend of Lauren's. Mary Beth came over too, making it a quasi-fifth grade reunion. I forgot how much I like these people.

I think that thing, you know, when high school seniors finally talk to people they like again, is happening.

That, and a phone call, has saved me for tonight. I am desperate for tomorrow night. I am lonely.

oh my fucking god.

this beast has been in my backyard for about two weeks. holy shit. holy shit. hyperventilation!

I had to post it to scare the crap out of everyone ever.

153, 19 days

thank god, though I may not believe, for bike rides, cigarettes, and old friends.

I almost stopped at a former lover's house for condolences, but I pedaled past knowing he's not home, turn that street down and down the next. Hours of talk about someone else's drama did not save my life, but left me conscious, and with fewer scars.

thank god for nail polish, brothers, and telephone calls. the sound of your voice saved me from a heart attack. 19 days of summer left, and I will not spare your company.

the long night will be spent in waiting, but a different, kinder kind.

152

i miss you i wish you
would just come home
come home whole

i'm starting to forget the way you smell,
but the color of your eyes will be in me forever.

I have to control myself. put down the phone, put down the food, put down the knife. I feel ugly without you here to see me. the night is long, the night is long and I'm so terribly frightened.

every scenario that could break my heart has
happened in my head a thousand times
I'm too petrified to knock on wood

the bee sting of my horrors
will mark my skin forever
but I don't care, I just want you home.

I love you. I can't let you die.
but I don't know how to save a silent telephone.

trying hard to stay sane,
staying crazy for you

everything is so hard to ignore when you're worried.

please, just tell me you're okay.

-
in lighter news, today my brother said "I think I have the vapors!" in a southern belle accent. it was good.

151

the light from this screen makes my eyes hurt, wishing for the lights by your bed. lying in my own bed, trying to sleep- I'm wearing your sweatshirt, it smells like you, cologne and cigarettes and pheremones. I miss you already. worry. come home to me, whole. something clever to say at cocktail parties, but I need more than that. I need you.

the L-word. meeting people under very much the wrong circumstances. how can the world be so blind while beautiful things are burning?

it's like 1,000 rubber bands inside my head.

tomorrow will be headaches and strange phone calls. tomorrow will take forever, and the next day one more. but tonight, tonight is the longest eternity yet.

631 839 1769.

my present tense torn away, leaves me begging for your hand to hold.
I'll get them to turn the light back on for us, I will. even if you can't see it, I'll yell out silly things for you. I love you, and I promise it will be okay.

entry 150

is it wrong that I am boring?

listening to Power Lloyd today, the volume control got stuck and I couldn't turn it down. so punk rock.

the whalers of Nantucket used galapagos turtles for meat.

To late to turn, to turn back now I'm running out of sound
And I am changing and if we died right now
This fool you love somehow is here with you

I will learn to control you! I will learn to control myself, then never do it. that's key, the word is try. losing my mind to fugazi misspelled tempos.

summer is ending, I feel myself rushing to get through the changes that were supposed to occur. hyperspeed soulsearch with the sky in my heart.

a new phone number, a new email, a new screen name, a new spelling. I wonder who will refind refund regret reject me when I return? I keep dreaming of the high school halls.

Happy 11th bday, Pasty

Collin: "Yeah, I'm the pasty one in the middle."

Shortly after this I ran into Sean as he was photographing Chris and Marty dressed as... umm... large pieces of yellow cardboard? with spots and keyboards.

entry 148

why is midnight the default alarm clock alarm time? has anyone but me ever set to wake at 12 am, deliberate?

four fortune cookies, too many for twenty-four hours.

you will be awarded some great honor.

you have a quiet and unobtrusive nature.

that one I tore up and threw in the garbage. my brother watched me do it, laughing a little.

category shmategory

missed my senior picture. whatevs.

sitting in a pile of forms a few months too early? I am prepared, they say, for the decision making process. carefully inject me with application, consume my carpet with paperwork. I just wanted to talk to someonen or just, you know, hang out.

a year and a week, a year and a day. through christmas and the senior prom, through pain and calculus. I often hear the word hope. I'm being cryptic again, you can bite my lips in reply, punk music blaring in the background. I just like it because boys look good with eyeliner.

preferred name? I never know what to say. SB, pretending anything means something. back to work! back to the stranger, back to your sea. back to writing bold letters with old stencils. back to pretending (how to write).

triska

happy friday the thirteenth kiddos.

I feel the need to go all goth.

cyndi lauper = hawt

those stockings, the kind with seams up the back of the leg.

stilletto heels, kicked off so she could dance on the piano and climb on the seats to yell at people yelling at the stage,

dragging a woman and her daughter up to do silly hand sways.

playing time after time on the electric fucking dulcimer.

being amazingly badass. I want to be cyndi lauper when I grow up.

as for Chris, Noah, Erin and I, we were the coolest ever. White Castle in a limo, baby. Turkish limo drivers named Chat are amazing. Tony Danza, an asshole. Ralph Nader, supposedly a little crazy, but really, a nice guy.

cousins with tattoos

I'm home from Ali & Rick's wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, it didn't rain, my cousin John drank until he ralphed, and Pasty rocked the dance party. I managed not to full out cry during the actual wedding, just get somewhat misty-eyed. I am, however, going to go cry now.

bells bells bells

tomorrow morning I'm leaving for Etna, NY, where my awesome cousin Ali is getting married to Rick (also awesome). This means five hours in the car with Rosalie, my mother's mother. not to mention her kind but heavy-german-accented friend. and Pasty. and my dad, who will be tired, and my mom, who will be bugging the fuck out.

so, in summation, the ride there will suck ass, the wedding should be fun, and yay! for seeing the family member who got me listening to Pavement. I'll be back Sunday.

also, Tuesday, Chris and I will be going to see Cyndi Lauper in concert. Cyndi Lauper. this is the first step towards making up for not seeing Gwar a month or two back. also, we will hopefully be accompanied by Noah, which entails crazy shit.

I am listening to Ace of Base. yes.

prooove

I don't know what to say. It's after four thirty already, and I am no closer to revelation. I said some things to some people, but I don't think I blew any minds. I am wandering around in a haze of affection, but my laser beams have not been built yet. I will no longer allow myself to pause before speaking, I will no longer give myself any space. I just wallow in it when I have, I am growing jealous of the ability to speak unfettered, I am growing nervous when people say my name. I am starting to wonder if this was a bad idea, and I am excited to see where it is going.

I am losing my mind in a narcissitic manner, that makes me want to stop seeing my therapist. she's nice and has a dog and talks about her grandkids, but I would much rather talk to all of you, because you fall in love while she just takes notes in a little pad next to the dog's chew toy. the phone rings and it's someone with a random question, a slice of inquiry I guess, I hope if I have children or if I still have friends when I am old, they will call me with stupid questions.

I check my email as if my life depended on it, but it never occurs to me to pick up the phone. funny when -well you can't call them exes- call you late at night. I feel the need to prove myself to the world.

I'm reading someone else's better poetry, and feeling sick at the thought of never going anywhere. sometimes songs come on random that you just don't want to hear, but you listen to them anyway because that's what you get for opting out of choice.

I am going to paint with watercolors.

category bugbite

I often wish I were funny. you know, that deliberate but not contrived way of making everyone laugh and look at you like you are clever, or dynamic, or have your shit together on some level.

that way, I would still be offending someone all the time, but differently.

like how "you got served" is different from "you are making my brains fall out my eyes like

-oh shit, I totally almost choked to death just then.

like long wet strands of celery, and you have lizard poison crawling out your fingertips."

or like how a compliment is different from an insult. only, when i say them, I can't tell those apart.

googlism, copout post

thanks to Googlism, I know a lot more about 'Samantha'.

samantha is an electronic travelogue
samantha is fast and devil
samantha is reportedly very close to her mother barbara
samantha is unable to bring a spoon to her mouth without spilling which makes
samantha is cumming hard while she plays with herself extremally
samantha is cumming hard while she plays with herself pheromones
samantha is the queen of jetstream peeing
samantha is pierna indonesian sex
samantha is the most exciting book i've read in my life
samantha is more comfortable on that side and not to worry about it
samantha is not the anti
samantha is far more