there was a point in time that when I felt sad I would write. at least, I struggle to think there was, hope to find some semblance of creativity in my foggy memory.
but now... nothing comes. but don't doubt that I am sad. I feel stupid for feeling such, I don't have time for this. don't have time to lie in bed, don't have time to mope. But still, nothing gets done. it's not an issue of priority anymore, I'm not even reading. I just exist, half-assedly.
a boy from my school died yesterday. I didn't know him, although he graduated two years ago with some of my friends. cancer, age 18.
I want people to tell me they love me. Not just a cousin, a boyfriend, a brother. I want the people I see maybe once or twice a week to confess I mean something to them, that they would cry if I died. that when I finally leave this place, I will be missed.
just because I am so cold-hearted and hot-headed, is it so much to ask? that you give the damn I gave you all a thousand times?
but even if you did... I don't know what I would do with it. All the love in the world will accomplish nothing if it is not used to good. everything is gone again.
I didn't know him, I wonder what he would have had been like if... fuck it. I can't think this again. RIP Matt, wherever you are, whoever you were.
This makes me think of Peter. I miss him too. I will never forgive myself for every childish cold stare, every time I ignored him to hit on someone else. It still burns. I see his mother frequently, and I want to hug her, tell her it's okay. It still burns, but I always forget to whisper his name each October 22nd.
I feel unhappy. I don't know what to do, I don't want to do anything. I have so much to get done.
I want time to pass. I want time to pass faster. I want to get to the crying and the pain of umbilical-cord-cutting, of graduation, of that stupid fucking hat and tassle. I want to be in pain someplace else.
I love you, but I can't take this place. I want to scream, but my soul is too lazy. these are just words, and actions would be louder but they don't happen.
there is never an end to this.
Posted by samantha at November 16, 2004 06:00 PM