Egress/Regress

prooove

I don't know what to say. It's after four thirty already, and I am no closer to revelation. I said some things to some people, but I don't think I blew any minds. I am wandering around in a haze of affection, but my laser beams have not been built yet. I will no longer allow myself to pause before speaking, I will no longer give myself any space. I just wallow in it when I have, I am growing jealous of the ability to speak unfettered, I am growing nervous when people say my name. I am starting to wonder if this was a bad idea, and I am excited to see where it is going.

I am losing my mind in a narcissitic manner, that makes me want to stop seeing my therapist. she's nice and has a dog and talks about her grandkids, but I would much rather talk to all of you, because you fall in love while she just takes notes in a little pad next to the dog's chew toy. the phone rings and it's someone with a random question, a slice of inquiry I guess, I hope if I have children or if I still have friends when I am old, they will call me with stupid questions.

I check my email as if my life depended on it, but it never occurs to me to pick up the phone. funny when -well you can't call them exes- call you late at night. I feel the need to prove myself to the world.

I'm reading someone else's better poetry, and feeling sick at the thought of never going anywhere. sometimes songs come on random that you just don't want to hear, but you listen to them anyway because that's what you get for opting out of choice.

I am going to paint with watercolors.

Posted by samantha at August 4, 2004 04:47 AM